Okay. Addendum to last blog, one month on. I think I'll start writing here some more. To sort some things out in my head. It's interesting how things make a little bit more sense when you write them down in front of you.
Weeeeell, one month since last entry. Where am I now. Pretty much where I was last month. Started working properly in Waitrose which is okay I guess.
I suppose the gist of this entry is that I'm really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment. You could say, I'm always struggling with how I'm feeling.. But more so than usual I would say.
There's a horrid feeling of hopelessness that tends to sort of rise up and bother me for days on end.
Thankfully, today as I write this, talking to friends has helped lift that a bit. I can see clearly now.. The rain has gone. :p
But yes.
Basically I'm feeling more and more as though I'm regressing back into the moody teenager I used to be. When I was back at university, when Vilma broke up with me, I was more or less okay.
However, as time has gone on, it's clear that this isn't the case at all and I feel increasingly doomed and trapped in Devon like I have nothing going for me and no prospects whatsoever.
Which is a shame because it's really a pretty place.
It's like I'm standing at a crossroads, on one side is the road I've been walking for the past few months of nothing very much and on the other side is something a bit better and a bit brighter. Just got to work out how to get there.
I think what I need is a mix of new actions, new thinking and getting some self-confidence back in my abilities.
So, I need to sit down and sort out what I'm going to do. I've had a few ideas that I've told some people. Namely get my drivers license (good for jobs and the feeling of independence might help my mood) and at some stage move out before too long. I think because just being here, in this place, as lovely as it is has too many memories or whatever.
Maybe I could move in with Pete and Liz or something? Or do that full time volunteering thing Chloe was talking about?
Regardless, you only live once, so I've got to start getting the f*ck out there.
What I also need to do is start, y'know, DOING. It's easy to read books, make plans, but the actual life changing bit is putting it into practise. Need to start doing that.
I think I've come a long way over the years, I remember once when Chloe dared me to speak to a stranger in the park, just anyone. And I couldn't. I couldn't make a sound I was so nervous.
But look at me now! Ex-cop, globe trotter and yellow haired social rebel of a sort!
Now to keep it going.
I heard back from the police in Nothern Ireland. Turns out I did much better than I thought I did! Better in fact than I did with the police in London! But, they haven't got any money to hire people and because of the way recruitment in Northern Ireland works (something called 50:50) it's very unlikely I'll manage to get in this time.
Still, for a first attempt I'm very pleased with that. :)
Back here in Devon though, still haven't heard anything so I'll have to give them a ring and see what's going on. As long as I start before Christmas, I don't really mind.
However, given all this serious thinking I'm doing at the moment, I might have flown the coop by the time they get their act together!
So.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Start living it.
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