Delicate like a quiche.

I've been meaning to write here a few times, but ultimately everything I would say would almost totally mirror what I have written in previous posts. Except to say that there has been a few minor developments.
I'm now sporting a wide variety of minor injuries from work (my poor fingers! Stupid meat slicer!), am mildly ill, have my driving theory test on Thursday and my interview with a suspiciously nice policemanofficer on the 18th about joining up again.

So really, stuff is happening. But it very much feels like it isn't. As I was talking to someone today, life is too short. So.. Why am I still here?
I appreciate 'THE PLAN' is to get my license before I do anything especially crazy. Like, move to London, resign from current jerb or act on those very kind invitations to both Australia and America by friends.
But I get the feeling even if I DID have my license, I'd still 'umh' and 'aah', because we all do don't we?
Maybe it's because I'm horribly ill, but thoughts are resting on my mind especially uneasily today. I feel like I want to reach out and just take what I want because time is a-wasting! But that's not how it works is it?

So I'll probably watch a Youtube video about social skills and.. Not do very much with it.
It's quite scary to think I'm almost 22 and still think like this. That everything hasn't fallen into place and really it's down to my own damn fool self that things haven't.
Hmm. What to do.
I was listening to a guy talk about Benjamin Franklin, how he became one of the most suave men of his time by never arguing or dealing in absolutes. Instead of telling someone they were wrong, he would comment he 'conceived it to be so' and removed all those 'bad' words from his vocabulary. Perhaps I could do something equally drastic? Because really, everything that's come before now has sort of fallen into a rather drab pile of similarity.
Oh, I've read all kinds of things! I'm fairly shit hot now, if you'll pardon my saying so, in giving advice to others and occasionally being able to deal with myself now. Something I was unable to do until a few months ago. But.. I dunno. I want there to be more. I want to achieve more and be more.

This requires further cogitation.

If it's the last thing we ever do.

Okay. Addendum to last blog, one month on. I think I'll start writing here some more. To sort some things out in my head. It's interesting how things make a little bit more sense when you write them down in front of you.

Weeeeell, one month since last entry. Where am I now. Pretty much where I was last month. Started working properly in Waitrose which is okay I guess.
I suppose the gist of this entry is that I'm really struggling with how I'm feeling at the moment. You could say, I'm always struggling with how I'm feeling.. But more so than usual I would say.
There's a horrid feeling of hopelessness that tends to sort of rise up and bother me for days on end.

Thankfully, today as I write this, talking to friends has helped lift that a bit. I can see clearly now.. The rain has gone. :p

But yes.
Basically I'm feeling more and more as though I'm regressing back into the moody teenager I used to be. When I was back at university, when Vilma broke up with me, I was more or less okay.
However, as time has gone on, it's clear that this isn't the case at all and I feel increasingly doomed and trapped in Devon like I have nothing going for me and no prospects whatsoever.
Which is a shame because it's really a pretty place.

It's like I'm standing at a crossroads, on one side is the road I've been walking for the past few months of nothing very much and on the other side is something a bit better and a bit brighter. Just got to work out how to get there.

I think what I need is a mix of new actions, new thinking and getting some self-confidence back in my abilities.
So, I need to sit down and sort out what I'm going to do. I've had a few ideas that I've told some people. Namely get my drivers license (good for jobs and the feeling of independence might help my mood) and at some stage move out before too long. I think because just being here, in this place, as lovely as it is has too many memories or whatever.
Maybe I could move in with Pete and Liz or something? Or do that full time volunteering thing Chloe was talking about?
Regardless, you only live once, so I've got to start getting the f*ck out there.

What I also need to do is start, y'know, DOING. It's easy to read books, make plans, but the actual life changing bit is putting it into practise. Need to start doing that.
I think I've come a long way over the years, I remember once when Chloe dared me to speak to a stranger in the park, just anyone. And I couldn't. I couldn't make a sound I was so nervous.
But look at me now! Ex-cop, globe trotter and yellow haired social rebel of a sort!

Now to keep it going.
I heard back from the police in Nothern Ireland. Turns out I did much better than I thought I did! Better in fact than I did with the police in London! But, they haven't got any money to hire people and because of the way recruitment in Northern Ireland works (something called 50:50) it's very unlikely I'll manage to get in this time.
Still, for a first attempt I'm very pleased with that. :)
Back here in Devon though, still haven't heard anything so I'll have to give them a ring and see what's going on. As long as I start before Christmas, I don't really mind.
However, given all this serious thinking I'm doing at the moment, I might have flown the coop by the time they get their act together!

So.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Start living it.

We gotta get out of this place.

Well, time for a life update. I need somewhere to vent and as there isn't anyone online that I can vent at, this will have to do. Sorry blog. This is going to hurt me more than it'll hurt you.

So, got a job now of a sort working in a supermarket behind the meat and fish counter. Kind of fun work, everyone is very lovely and friendly. I smell of fish after every shift which is very unpleasant and my last shift I caught myself getting quietly irate at the customers for buying too many things. I just wanted to be left alone to get on with my washing up, thank you very much.
Plus I had to rip out some poor fish's gill with my bare hands which left me feeling a little ill.
But yes, normally I only do two days, but I've recently been doing some overtime. I was offered to do some today but I decided I'd had enough of this work business thank you.
I have to cycle into work you see and it's a ten mile round trip. I don't think my weak and feeble legs could manage 50 miles in one week. My turning down this extra day of overtime however has lead to John remarking to my mother how angry he is that I am horridly lazy and workshy when he works every hour god sends to put food on the table.
And mum seems to agree, commenting that she would also have a problem with me if she were my employer and I declined to do more overtime.

But what really gets me is that I haven't really done anything wrong. Apart from possibly lacking a poor work ethic and leg muscles. I thought everyone was strapped for cash these days, so if anything I've done them a favour by not doing a third day on time and a half pay.

So the air is a bit rife with tension in the old house at the moment. But I digress...

I'm feeling somewhat lost this weekend. Still rather miffed I didn't get the job I wanted and because of that and the current situation I find myself in.. I'm really not sure what to do with myself.

I could move out, I could move away, but do what? And go where? The one job I would really like isn't really an option for at least two years given public spending cuts, so what's the alternative?
I could get a police staff job, but they don't tend to be very entry-level friendly.
Or I could get just a random job.. somewhere. Start afresh! Lay down roots! Plan for the future.
Or I could stay here, crack on with Waitrose and my voluntary stuff which will hopefully start soon and try and do some good until I can shoot off elsewhere.

I could always run away and join the Foreign Legion.

Hm.
Thinking about it, it's not really a problem. If I'm unhappy at my job, get another job. One will come along eventually. If I'm not happy at home, move out. But in order to move out I'll have to work more which leaves less time for volunteering. Which seems like quite a silly drawback, but it's just the kind of guy I am. :p

I'm sure it'll work out eventually.

'First Post!!1!!1!'

A blog in which things occur. Sometimes job related, most of the time probably not as that requires far too much maturity in my own spare time.
No, I've just recently graduated, the degree still has it's crisp crackle and I'm very happy with the idea of having letters after my name still.
What I am not happy with however, is being stuck here in the middle of no-where with nothing to do and little to take my mind off of things.

And so we have a blog in which things occur.

I am also slightly jealous of those cop bloggers who get published in the newspaper, so maybe I should throw my top hat into that ring as well?